i look at her look at him

"darling just remember that forbidden fruit always LOOKS really damn tasty but almost always has dire consequences."

sonya is wise.

i'm unreachable-

dont bother leaving a message

how much can you read from one look?

apparently, enough for me write one about it.
so when you look at me, straight into my eyes-
i look, and i search, and i try to find what it is that you're trying to say, where are all these unspoken words? but you look, you look with an intent purpose, no confusion- you must be trying to say something. or you could be simply looking. i would never know. what they say is true though, i am indeed afraid to look at you with the same intensity, for fear of what i might find, its just rather unnerving. my curiosity overpowers my fear, always. yet i am the first one to look away. i remember the one time i was really frustrated and i asked you, "what?" and you replied, "nothing", which annoyed me even more and so i said "why are you looking at me like that?" and you still say, "nothing". so fine. you expect me read your mind. and fine, you win at being intriguing. though i did forget you, you know. until today- i saw you from the bus, you looked up, you didnt see me, the bus drove on. and that was that, but now i have immortalized you with these words i compose. next time, if there is to be a next time, i will not be the one to look away.

eigentlich will ich nur weinen

i cannot believe you said that, i cannot believe you made me feel so bad about myself, i cannot believe that one sentence-
you are so hurtful. unknowingly. i cannot believe that you would doubt me in the one area that i was sure of myself. i cannot believe i just accepted it, and then went home and tormented myself for the entire night. i cannot believe i didnt confront you right then and there, make you take it back. i didnt want you to see how shaken i was. you are such a bastard. such an insensitive ASS. god. i am so angry at you and i just want to throw something at you and hurt you.

it feels good. it feel good to delete you out of my life- first your smses, then your emails.. someday i will throw away your card, maybe. or maybe i will hold on to it to remind me that i made the right choice.

words that paint a thousand pictures

second chance
I really should take more advantage of living in a gorgeous city like Heidelberg. Today, for the first time ever, i did what i've always wanted to do- alone time on the Neckarwiese. a whole year, and not once have i done that. its ridiculous, really. its mid-october, yet a sunny 25 degrees out- definitely a sign.

rash decisions determine the best moments of your life
I jump on my trusty bike with nothing but my ipod, pen&paper. 10 minutes later, i paint you my picture- the leaves overhead are a mesmerizing green, a delicious contrast to the sky that is an infinite blue. the cute boy sitting on the bench opposite is reading a book. the heavily pregnant lady calls to her 3 dogs, one of them busy sniffing me cautiously. the grass is soft and cool, and it smells surprisingly of promises. the sun on my left, slowly receding beyond the water. me, on my stomach, under my tree, at my spot, in my place, my town. the boy reads and reads, i wonder if he feels my gaze. the canoeists break the surface of the water with their powerful oars- the soothing sound of moving water spur the joggers on-they pass by lovers walking hand in hand- the moment stretches and fuses with other moments, it seems they might never end, & the boy reads and reads, it makes me wonder what he is reading.

england
was amazing. i miss it & all it meant- away from work, stress, responsibility. being with exciting people at exciting places. and if its even possible, my zufall, you make me doubly look forward to december (: its the 2nd day of the new semester, and already i am behind in my work schedule-how did that happen?! though my calender is looking lovely, filled with familiar names lined up for sushi, fondue nights. and party! on friday, Sonya, i will dance to all of my, our, your music (:

and suddenly,
the boy gets up and walks away. he walks, it seems, directly into the setting sun. the sun gets into my eyes, for a blinding moment- or maybe, just maybe, he did turn and smile.